I am probably in a bit of a rut and am a little depressed at the moment. I am usually very upbeat but today I feel a little down, although I never plunge to certain depths of despair that other do. After all I don?t have anything too great to worry about, I have a job, a roof over my head, in fairly good health, and good friends around me, but I am in one of those ?what am I doing with my life?? moods. Can we be truly happy all the time? Is nothing good enough?
I am 25 now and for the past few years I haven?t really accomplished anything. When I look back there was a scheme to life carefully guided by education and authority. I went to school, then did my A-levels, then went to University, then worked at the University for a few years, and then?.then what?
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
But who would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you?ve got heroin?
Ok I didn?t choose Heroin, maybe a bit too far, but I am just as guilty of wallowing, having ?big ideas? and finding it easier to do nothing, and then moan about it. I have dreams of working for myself, running my own business, being the boss, and doing what I enjoy. I enjoy webdesign and graphic design, and a few years back I would say that I was pretty good and was always keeping ahead of the times, and educating myself in new things coming out. Over the years I?ve slipped and not pushed myself as far as I should. As I am still involved in this type of thing then it won?t take much for me to get back into it, but it will take time and effort on my behalf, and there is obviously some element of risk involved in giving everything up and going for it, but I suppose you have to fight for your dreams.
I have blogged about this before, gone on about really doing it, and I have not. I have done nothing and I think that is rubbish. Something has got to give and I need to decide on my priorities.
Phil recently blogged about wanting to do something different, and questioned why he should carry on applying for jobs, just because he has experience. He too wants to choose something different and so I left a comment on his blog saying we should meet up soon to discuss things. He just text and emailed me, and we?ll have a chat tonight. Watch this space.